Humour and Jokes

A Collection of Jokes, Stories etc. Relevant to Jewellery
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• Men who wear ear-rings are reckoned to make good husbands because:-
  1. They have experienced pain.
  2. They have bought jewellery.

• Last year, 1999 saw a total solar eclipse, visible from Cornwall on August 11th. Blackpool however pre-empted Cornwall, by having a preview as at midnight on March 31st 1999!

• Blackpool by night - take a torch with you!

• Fiona came from a nice family, and had recently started her first job in a jeweller's. She was very interested in all the different gemstones, and wanted to learn how to identify them. One day whilst helping to clean the stock, she came across a ring with dozens of stones in it, every one a different colour. Fascinated, she asked the owner why they were all different, and he carefully explained that it was an "alphabet" ring, guaranteed to contain every letter of the alphabet at least once. Being keen to put her new-found gemmological knowledge into practice, she started to study the ring, to try to identify all the different stones. Because her name started with "F", she expected to find a fire opal, but couldn't, and she mentioned this fact to the jeweller. He replied that fire opals were a little too soft to use in rings, but it wasn't necessary for the stones to start with a particular letter, it could be anywhere in the name. After another ten minutes, Fiona could still not find an "F", so she tackled her boss about which gemstone contained the missing letter. "Sapphire, of course", he said (many jewellers seem to be a bit week on their spellings). "But there is no "F" in sapphire", said the well educated Fiona. "Oh, it must have dropped out in the ultrasonic cleaning tank", said the jeweller.

• A Cork man and a Kerry man heard that the streets of Blackpool were paved with gold, so they set out across the water to make their fortune. Stepping outside Squire's Gate Airport, Kerry man saw a gold sovereign lying on the pavement, bending to pick it up he said to Cork man "Would you look at that, we'll be making our fortune in no time at all!".
  Cork man stops him from picking it up saying "Leave it there for now, we can always start work tomorrow morning!"
• An American lady entered a jeweller's and said "You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it's the wrong size".
  "No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily".
  "Oh, you don't understand, you sold him a five carat size, and I take a ten carat size"

• Customer asks her jeweller what a G colour, SI clarity diamond looks like.
  "Buying or selling, madam"!
  

• Guy to Babe in bar, "If I give you this 4 carat D Flawless diamond solitaire from Chard the Diamond Ring Designer, will you come to bed with me?"
  "Sure thing," says the Babe.
  "Well how about if I give you this CZ ring from Argos?"
  "Get lost" says the Babe, "what sort of girl do you think I am?"
  "We already established that", says the guy, "now we're just trying to negotiate a sensible price!"

• "Goodness, what a beautiful diamond ring you're wearing Miss West!"
  "Goodness had nothing to do with it!" replied Mae.

• A woman tries the door of an up market jeweller's at 6.30 p.m. one Christmas Eve. Finding it locked but there still being a few lights on, she knocks. Only the owner is still there. After weighing her up as a rich looking prospect, he decides to let her in. "I'm sorry to bother you so late", says the woman, " but as I walked past I had an idea. I've already bought my husband a new Lexus, and a BMW for my son, but I thought a gold chain might make a nice little stocking filler. Do you have any 18 ct. gold Albert chains?"
  "I think we may have one left, madam," said the jeweller, rubbing his hands at the thought of an extra juicy sale as he went to get it from the safe. "This is a lovely one which we have specially made for our most discerning clients. It weighs 200 grams, and I can let you have it for only £30 per gram, so it's a bargain at only £6,000!"
  "Mmm," says the customer, "I would prefer an old one as I believe they were better"
  "Quite right too, madam, if I may say so, but naturally you realise that the old ones command a hefty premium price?"
  "Oh, of course," replies the customer, "but the price isn't an important factor."
  "I'll go and check what else we may have", says the jeweller, thinking quickly, and not wanting to miss a sale whose potential seems to be getting better all the time. He takes the chain with him into the workshop, kicks it round the floor a few times, beats it with a hammer, removes the fastener with its tell-tale hallmark and date letter, rubs some old polishing rouge into it before shaking it round the filter of the polishing machine. By now it is unrecognisable. He finds a slightly different fastener, and takes that and the chain out to his patiently waiting customer. "Wonderful news, madam, this must be your lucky day. Not only have I found a very rare antique Albert chain that we must have been fortunate to acquire in the last few days, but it turns out to be in excellent condition for its age, and I have managed to find a fastener. It looks very dirty and neglected, but if you don't mind waiting while I clean it up, you will see what a wonderful example it is of the ancient chain-maker's art."
  "How wonderful", says the lady, "of course I don't mind waiting, I'll be counting the money, I presume you don't mind accepting cash."
  "Not at all madam, I'll be as quick as I can. Help yourself to some of our sherry and mince pies, while you're waiting". Fifteen minutes later, he returns, glowing triumphantly. "My word, this is fortunate. Underneath all that dirt, this has turned out to be a very fine example in excellent condition. Despite that, I can still let you have it for a very reasonable £40 per gram".
  "Splendid", says the lady, "how much does that come to?"
  "Let's see, 205 grams at £40, that's exactly £8,200".
  "Excellent", says the lady, "I'll take both!"

• "Rachel, darling, how wonderful to see you after all these years! My life, what an incredibly large diamond ring you've got. Is it a very famous diamond?"
  "Oh yes, Hermione, it's the famous Bloomenstein diamond, but it's got a curse with it".
  "Really, what's the curse?"
  "Mr. Bloomenstein, of course!", says Rachel.

• "Do you do ear-piercing?"
  "Certainly, madam, while you wait!"

• "Your poster claims that ear-piercing is completely painless, is that true?"
  "Certainly, madam, I've done thousands of piercings, and I've never felt a thing!"

• Lady in jeweller's, "What type of engagement ring is the best investment?"
  "Long term or short term, madam?"

• "You've seriously upset Mrs Ponsonby-Smythe, young Johnson, telephoning to ask her when she intends to pay for the two carat solitaire diamond ear-rings which she chose for herself and collected last week. Her husband bought her £100,000 engagement ring from us, for their first anniversary, he forked out £60,000 for her eternity ring, for her birthday, he gave her that wonderful six-figure diamond necklet with matching bracelet. Don't you think you should have used a little more discretion?"
  "Well sir, Jones the accountant did say she's £50,000 in 'er ears!"

• "Did you here that Caprice Bourret phoned us for a quote to have both her nipples pierced, and the manager quoted her £1000!"
  "Really!, what happened?"
  " Unfortunately, her manager phoned back to say that Asprards had offered her more!"
• A young woman walked into a jeweller first thing one Monday morning, handed a large impressive solitaire ring to the owner, and asked could he "just tell her whether this is a real diamond or not, and is it worth having valued" as a very good friend had given it to her over the weekend. The jeweller could tell without from a distance that it was only in a cheap 9 carat gold mount, and a quick look using an eyeglass not only confirmed this, having a "375" hallmark, but also revealed a "C.Z." stamp, so was undoubtedly a cubic zirconia.
  The jeweller relayed his opinion to the "customer", who promptly burst out into tears, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and other hysterical behaviour. After five minutes she had recovered her composure sufficiently to further quiz the jeweller, "How can you be so sure after such a brief look, you haven't even tested the stone", she said accusingly. "Madam, from years of experience, I can tell diamonds from fakes without using a diamond tester, they are only used by amateurs, it is only in a 9 carat mount, and nobody in their right mind would set a high quality 4 carat diamond in such a cheap mount, it's also stamped C.Z. inside the shank, so please do not call my expertise into question, especially when I am giving you free advice", replied the long-suffering jeweller. At this the woman burst back into uncontrollable sobbing, and it took several minutes before the jeweller could manage to communicate with her. "Well, dear, don't get so upset. As you were given it, you haven't suffered any financial loss. If this were a real diamond ring it would be worth £40,000 or more, at least you haven't bought it on ebay for £20,000; if you had I could quite understand you being so upset, but as it was only a gift, then really you have not lost anything," he tried to console her.
  At this point she snatched the ring from his hand, and snarled "You clearly don't understand the seriousness of the situation! I insist you call the police immediately."
  "Why?", said the puzzled jeweller.
  Isn't it obvious?, said the woman, "I've been raped!"
• Actually, we heard a variation on the above story, in which a known prostitute went into a police station to report a rape. The desk sergeant reminded her of her profession, and asked how it happened, and in reply she threw a bounced cheque onto the counter, saying "There!".
• A tramp walked into an upmarket jewellers and stood there scratching his backside. The manager approached him and asked him what he thought he was doing. The tramp pointed out the sign in the window, saying "Come inside and pick your ring in comfort".